" My BEST neighbor lady "

A new perspective on life has been given to me. I didn't ask for it, I certainly wasn't prepared for it, but it has happened and I have to find the good in it somehow. 

My special neighbor friend Cheri took her own life 2 weeks ago.

My running partner and "therapist", she listened to me talk about anything and everything while we ran. We talked about life, kids, jobs, husbands, our parents, stress, losing weight, post partum depression, buying cars, make-up, christmas gifts, catholic school, college... You name it , we talked about it. I thought she told me everything. She just couldn't bring herself to tell me (or anyone in her life) that she just hurt so bad that she didn't want to live here on earth anymore. 

That is the short version. 

There are so many unanswered questions, and 2 1/2 weeks later, I have to make myself stop asking them over and over. 

We all grieve different, and unfortunately, grief is not a linear process. I feel like my emotions are all over the place, and I'm mad and sad and in disbelief all in the same 10 minutes. 

I have made up my mind that this is my reminder to cherish life; to be thankful that I am still here.  This is my reminder that I once was in that spot, in a deep hole of (postpartum) depression and anxiety, that I almost let it swallow me up. I am lucky that I made it out, with the help of family and doctors and counselors and support groups. I remember exactly what it feels like when you think there is no way out, that you will never get better. This is my reminder to keep talking about what I went through, because maybe I can help someone, anyone, to see that there is a way out. 

Cheri and I ran together 36 hours before she took her own life. We ran for an hour, and we talked about a lot of things. But what I take most from our last conversation are two things:

1 -- she told me to stop worrying so much. (Eli had just started school that day and he did Just FINE!) 

2 -- she told me that kids grow up SO FAST ... And to take it all in. To keep track of memories. To keep blogging because one day I will be so thankful to have my memories written down. 

I haven't been good at keeping up with this blog lately.  Life is crazy and hectic and it's always a race against time. However, Eli is 4 and Sammy is 2, and these are quite possibly the best ages ever ... And it's a constant comedy show around here. I need to write it all down, even if it's just a sentence here and there. 

But when they are 30 and 32... Will the WORLD WIDE WEB still exist? 

I hear people say ... Life is brutiful. It's so true. The more you live and the more you love, the more pain you set yourself up for. But in the end, it's all worth it. I thought Cheri and I would live next door to each other until we were much much older. Maybe forever. ? I certainly expected her to be there for me when I sent the boys off to college or when I needed her help to plan a graduation party or a wedding. But isn't that true for everyone... ? You think you have forever, and today could be the last day for any of us. 

Cheri was the happiest, smiliest, kindest person you could meet. She was so proud of her family. She was always smiling. She always looked beautiful, down to her perfect hair and her perfect lipstick. She always CARED. She was always listening. She loved my boys, she loved our friendship. She even loved running, once I got her out there. 

I don't know how she hid this from me, but I will never figure it out. So from here I just move on. Live my life, love my life. Because she who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten, right Cher? 

And the boys will always know that they were your cubie patoobies... I'll make sure of it.